Next on ESPN: Sports Rant with Theorris Boonasty

So first there was an in-your-face denial by the ever-impressive KSL to see Edmonton tear the shreads out of Carolina in Stanley Cup game 6 on Saturday night. I was all set to take in the game with my 12 pack of Olympia and enjoy its icy Northwestern (via Texas) goodness, but NO. KSL thinks it more important to honor a contractual obligation than allow me or many other complainers watch THE MOST IMPORTANT HOCKEY GAME OF THE YEAR. All for what? To show Real Salt Lake get their asses kicked.

Next there was a rip-roaring TIE between South Korea and France futbol game. (To be fair it actually made me think I could watch soccer and made me forgive KSL slightly for showing a dud RSL game in place OF THE MOST IMPORTANT HOCKEY GAME OF THE YEAR--oh wait I've ranted on that already, haven't I?) Anyway, the Korea/France game was a fast-paced and they all were on attack most of it, but still a TIE. There is nothing worse to my finely tuned American sports sensibility than for something to end in a tie. Ties. Oy. It is what makes me consider hockey a lesser-sport, and at least they have made it so it is next-to-impossible in hockey to get ties any more--ok I know that is not true, but I'm on a rant so forgive me.

Then there was the woeful closing performance of Mickelsen in the Open (a "hideous finish" as the Denver Post called it) which came hard-on-the-heals of Tiger Woods's woeful overall perfomance.

Finally, there was the bizzarely-ending Mavs vs. Heat game which featured clueless players making clueless TIME OUT CALLS. (Man I would hate to be Howard riding home on that plane last night.)

All these sports mis-adventures this weekend left me restless and feeling that something was just not right with the world of sport. What does all this portend, I asked myself last night while shutting off the idiot box from the Mavericks game. What does it mean?

I can only come to the conclusion that all this is leading to a great rupture in the sporting universe--something like the sudden return of Michael Jordan to try to sure up his Charlotte Bobcat's investment. Perhaps it is the ouster of Jerry Sloan from the Jazz and he is replaced by Karl Malone. Perhaps ABC will suddenly come to its senses and start showing most of the playoff games on broadcast channels rather than cable? Perhaps it is that Hot Rod Hundley will start a rib shack in Holliday with the tag line on the to go boxes that says "Put this one in the refrigerator, baby!" Maybe the Onion is right and Jesus will make a triumphul return to the NBA?

What, indeed, is the solution to this enigma?

Maybe I just watched too much fucking sports this weekend.